.... I'm not very creative so... I don't have much to say.. that is all.

I woke up early this morning from a nightmare. I’ve been trying to remember it because it was really scary and I thought it would be good to write down because I tend to have recurring nightmares and I think it may help to get it out of my head. It was also really disturbing, and kind of shows me what could happen in the future if I lose my faith in one of my most important relationships. I can’t remember all the details but I’m trying to remember the main parts.

JRD and I were having a baby. We went somewhere.. not sure really where it was. There was a girl I know with me, a younger girl. I can’t remember who it was because I think she changed sometimes. It may have been Erinn for part of it. Anyway, someone shows up with a huge bag of cocaine. Don’t know who it is, but I know it’s a man we know. Joshua does some lines and is really fucked up and I am very upset. He does not care. I go into labor and have the baby, and he is too worried about getting fucked up that he never comes. We have a girl… she’s pretty. Whoever the girl is with me is really supportive. I go back to where Joshua is, at the table with all the coke, and he is still obsessed with getting messed up. As I’m standing there upset with him, he starts shaking and his eyes roll back in his head and he falls to the ground. I just assume he overdosed? I have never been in that situation. I hold him and beg him not to leave me and beg him not to do this to himself or our family anymore. I beg God not to take him away. I’m basically hysterical, screaming and crying. Next thing I remember, he is back up and I just ask him not to do this anymore or I’ll leave. He says okay. Suddenly I’m staring at our daughter, and she is in a stroller and is a little older, not a year yet but not a newborn… but it doesn’t seem that time has passed because we are in the same place. I ask the girl who is with me where Joshua is because I am afraid to look at the table where he has been doing lines for days, weeks, months, I don’t know how long. I’m afraid to turn around because I know what I’ll see. I tell her, if he is still doing that, I am done with him and I will change the locks on our house, I don’t give a fuck, I don’t want him in our lives. The girl says she is sorry and my fears are confirmed… I turn around in time to see more coke go up his nose… I just break down, grab the stroller and bags full of possessions (no clue where they came from) and stack them on top of the stroller and the girl grabs some too. Joshua stands up to face me and I think I slap him. I tell him I’m done with him and that I can’t have him in our lives with a habit like this. It’s hard to tell whether he cares. I don’t know if he tries to stop me… I woke up.

I wish that I hadn’t woken up because I’d really like to know what happened after that. What does my subconscious think? Would he try to stop me? Would he let me go? Would he care? I don’t even know where this dream came from. It’s really freaky. Probably came from my own paranoia about the past and recent discussions about drugs… it was so painful though. I felt so betrayed in the dream, like how he could do this to me after all this time, and all we worked for… just threw it all away. I couldn’t sleep after this and I just wanted to curl up on him and cry but I didn’t want to wake him up because he had to wake up pretty early for his meeting. 

Anyway. Sad thoughts.

abqryan asked: What would be your own personalized version of hell?

Hmm.. I’d probably be standing in line at the post office forever where there’s the smell of freshly baked cookies and I can’t have any, and whoever I’m talking to can’t understand me so I have to keep repeating myself, and every song I’ve ever hated is playing in the background. LOL